There’s nothing about MS I like. It’s an unwanted, unwelcome disease that I’d rather live without if I could choose. It’s robbed me of my energy and reminds me constantly, every single day, that my body is failing me. I hate it.
But I have to tell you, even though it makes my days harder, MS is changing my life for the better. I realize it might sound a little strange, but I’m grateful for the things MS has helped me to see that I may have otherwise ignored.
1. IT’S SHOWING ME HOW MUCH I NEED OTHERS
I’ve always been an independent, I-can-do-it-myself kind of person. It’s not that I didn’t want help, I just felt that if I put my mind to something I could do it on my own. It wasn’t something I thought much about, but I carried with me this mindset that I could do things without the help of others. A big part of it was that I didn’t want to bother them by asking for help. Honestly, I’ve been this way as long as I can remember; Miss Independent.
Since MS came onto my radar this past summer I have been overwhelmed by the people who have rallied around me. It’s funny because in the moment I didn’t know I needed them, but having them there to hold me up in prayer, sit on the couch and cry with me, and encourage me on the days I feel defeated has helped me in ways I can’t express. I need people around me who can fight with me when I’m ready to throw in the towel.
Life is better in community.
2. IT’S HELPING ME PRIORITIZE
I’m a self-diagnosed “recovering perfectionist” and ashamedly also a “recovering workaholic.” I am proud of my strong work ethic and desire for excellence and have worked hard to integrate these principles into my life. It wasn’t uncommon for me to work a full work week, dive in to ministry on the weekends and sit behind my computer every evening. I love what I do, so extra hours of work came easily. I kind of liked it.
But being diagnosed with a life-altering illness makes you reevaluate everything. Was work really the most important thing to me? Could I invest more into my friends? Did Clark deserve more of my undivided time? These are questions I likely should have asked myself a long time ago, but sometimes our circumstances force us to look at things differently.
I still want to do things with excellence and use my time and energy to make a difference, but at the end of my life, I want to be known for my relationships, not my accomplishments.
3. IT’S TEACHING ME TO TRUST
I always thought that I knew what it meant to trust God. I had given Him my life and I really believed that I was doing the best I could to trust Him. Let me tell you, I now know that I had no idea what it really meant to trust God. No sweet clue.
I quickly realized that I had absolutely no control over how my body would feel when I had to preach. I couldn’t make $80 000 appear from nowhere when my insurance denied my treatment. I couldn’t do life on my own anymore. I needed to trust that He had everything I needed when I was lacking.
I don’t always have the answers, but I’m learning that He does.
We can’t control our circumstances. Often we find ourselves in the midst of things we’d rather not face. I know the feeling. It’s in those dark moments that we can sometimes learn the most life-changing things, but we have to choose to allow ourselves to be transformed. I don’t have all the answers and I’m sure there’s still some serious transformation that needs to happen in me! But, I’m grateful that in this uncertain season, I am changing for the better. At least I think I am.
In everything, I want to be transformed.
This article is so inspiring. Thinking of you and praying for you.
Thank you Susan!!
Hi Kim, I don’t think we have ever met but I’ve ‘known’ you for a long time through the many students you are touching at Summit. Your name is one that I often hear from young women – I hear about your love, passion, mentorship and devotion to those around you, how very much you mean to them! I was so moved when I heard that you were diagnosed by MS and pray for you often. Praying for healing yes, but more so that the Savior would draw you close to His heart so that you would have the strength to walk this journey in a way that would bring Him glory and be transforming for you. I read your blog this morning with a lump in my throat and could only say “Thank you Lord, You are faithful.”
Romans 5:3-5
Your sister in Christ, Shawna
Shawna, Thanks so much for those words of encouragement! They mean more than you know! I’m believing that this will not only transform me, but those around me too!! He IS faithful!!
Kim, I have always admired your drive for excellence and your passion to do things that people didn’t think you could/should do. I am so proud of the leader that you are. You have always been a prominent leader in my life, despite the distance. You are making a change in more lives than you realize. Know that you are beig lifted up in prayer from Virginia, and thought of each day!
Danielle, thanks so much! I’m so proud now watching all you encounter girls leading in your own way! Love you!
Well meditated on. Well written. Thank you Kim 🙂
Thanks so much Luke! That means a lot!
Well done. Praying for you and Clark, and encouraged by your example.
Thanks so much Cornel! Keep the prayers coming!
thank you for sharing this. I was diagnosed in July 2013 and we sound like our lives were similar. I was stumbling through life trying to control everything and everyone around me….God has hugely changed my life since that time. I’m not the same person and I’m glad 🙂 but I agree, MS sucks and I wish it would disappear.
Hi SueAnne! It’s amazing how much God can change things if we let Him! A friend of mine often says, “It takes manure to grow roses.” I think there’s some truth to that!
Kim, your story was shared with me this morning through a dear friend from church. Reading through reminded me of exactly how i myself felt/feel. I am 29 yrs old, a single mother to four (2sets of twins) and diagnosed Sept of 2013. Like yourself a workaholic. I havent been back to work physically since but God has given me the resourses to start my own business. As i write this out i tear up with happiness despite my cognitive impairments i deal with. I have come a long way being paralyzed , sight going and could barely speak much less swallow even water. My faith has grown massively because of unforseen things had occured since my diagnoses but thats another story. I am excited to start my own foundation by spring 2015. Its a shame that this illness/disease is not talked about amongst caribean background. A taboo i guess you could say.
My prayers are with you and hope that you stay strong. Thank you once again for sharing your story
Hi Keshia! I’m so glad your friend shared my story with you! It’s encouraging to hear about others who have been sustained by their faith! I’ve been blown by the number of amazing women I’ve met in the past few months who are facing similar situations. Let’s continue to share our stories and point people to the source of our strength!